As I was scanning the news this past week, and seeing the *continued* doom and gloom in our 24-7 world, the glut of “experts” who clamor for your inbox and your attention, and the unfortunate reality of our scattered, modern age … well, I just thought you should have a better idea about who would be guiding your finances and your tax strategy through all the noise.
Yes, this is a small departure from the pocket-protecting strategies I normally post, but I felt that it was a necessary interregnum.
Oh, and my people helped me put some of these together, as did a certain California gentleman who spent some time in Texas, enforcing the law …
13 Reasons The Taxman Fears Alan Newcomb
“The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot
1) Alan Newcomb does not sleep after tax season, but only waits.
2) When the IRS TaxMan goes to sleep each night, he checks his closet for signs of Alan Newcomb. Carefully.
3) Alan Newcomb can lead a horse to water AND make it drink — and analyze a prior-year tax return at the same time.
4) Alan Newcomb counted to infinity — twice. The IRS is still counting.
5) When Alan Newcomb falls into the water, Alan Newcomb doesn’t get wet. Water gets Alan Newcomb. And all documentation is still preserved.
6) Alan Newcomb CAN believe it’s not butter. Treasury agents think that it is probably butter.
7) Alan Newcomb doesn’t read the tax code … but simply stares it down until the information submits.
8) Alan Newcomb can divide by zero. Legally.
9) If you look closely, you can see Alan Newcomb in every scene of Gladiator. Marcus Aurelius was grateful for the tax advice.
10) Alan Newcomb has never blinked over the course of life. Never. Unlike the IRS when they pick up the phone and Alan Newcomb is on the line.
11) Alan Newcomb once fixed an incorrect tax return by simply looking at it. With eyes of fire.
12) Alan Newcomb has never been “away” on vacation. Resort locations come to Alan Newcomb. Even during tax season.
13) Alan Newcomb never hides, but only seeks. And always on your behalf.
Don’t you feel better with Alan Newcomb on your side?
Like I said…a bit self-aggrandizing, but fun :). I hope you enjoyed it. Only certain parts of it are actually true. I’ll leave it to you to figure out which parts.
And all kidding aside — I want you to know how deeply we appreciate the opportunity to serve you and your family THROUGHOUT the year. Yes, the “tax season” is behind us, but we are here for you even still … and grateful for the chance to put our very specific set of skills to work on your behalf.
To your family’s financial and emotional peace…
Alan Newcomb
(618) 532-7223
Bills Tax Service